Notice anything creepy in this photo?
In case you missed it, here it is from another angle:
I have been informed that this is not a Russian spy device, an alien mother ship, or an incubator for anything that will – when it grows up – need an exorcism.
It’s a hornet’s nest. More specifically, I’m pretty sure it is a “Deadly Asian Giant Hornet” nest, and it is on my property, about three feet above the barn door where the horses go in at night.
I did not make the name “Deadly Asian Giant Hornet” up. It is a real thing known by entomologists as Vespa mandarinia, by rural Asians as the “yak-killer,” and by National Geographic as “the hornet from hell.”
When I Googled these things, one title suggested “This Hornet is the Last Thing You’ll See Before you Die.”
CNN reported that last year, these hornets killed forty-one people and injured more than 1,600 people in China. Its venom – which according to one scientists feels like a “hot nail piercing the skin” – leaves a wound the size of a bullet hole that needs stitches and can cause instantaneous airway closures, kidney failure and cardiac arrest.
Deadly Asian Giant Hornets have been spotted in a dozen states here at home, and one of those spottings was in Arlington Heights, a community about 20 miles from my farm.
According to the Arlington Cardinal, “…the insect was at least two inches long and as thick as a human thumb. It had a wide orange-yellow head with large eyes, and distinct yellow-orange and brownish-black bands on its body. The Asian Giant Hornet patrolled around a house in the front yard — occasionally hovering and landing on shrubbery.”
Then it apparently gathered up all of its friends, left Arlington Heights, and found the neon sign in the sky that blinks “EASY PREY” and points straight down to my house.
Everything I’ve read about these things indicates there’s nothing good in my future. They are covered in armor, have piercing black teeth, and will chase, in mass, anything that runs.
They have sentries whose sole purpose in life is to sit at the door of their house and watch for victims.
See those cold, beady, heartless eyes? They’re looking for blondes with flyswatters. They’re watching for cans of Raid. Inside are 1,000-2,000 of their offspring, and no rake, no water hose, no tennis racket or pinata stick is getting anywhere near them.
I thought of calling the fire department, county animal control and CNN, but what are they going to do? Even the Hong Kong police are at a complete loss and tell people to stay as far away from them as possible, so I doubt the local Orken Man can come to my rescue either.
I wonder if my neighbor could just shoot them. I’ve also toyed with the idea digging out the torch blower I tried to burn my garbage with last winter. Or the gas-powered leaf blower.
Has anyone out there every dealt with these things?